How To Drive Her Crazy.

Disclaimer: Note that these techniques are only for humorous purposes and are not recommended for actual use. Use with an actual woman may cause serious injury or even death to the practitioner... and in fact, probably will. ;-)

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Penang when your original destination was Port Dickson.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

Sepet

Ketupat & Rendang Char Siew...finally a movie that pushes the envelope!Trailer

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:


Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.





Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total
Location: From: To:
Location: From: To:
Location: From: To:
Locations to be visited



Females with whom conversation
is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:



Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:


Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

it's about ME... and OW for you....MEOW!!!


1111
Originally uploaded by ellf.
You don’t fear me, but you should. You think you have tamed me, but I will never be completely yours. I am unlike your docile canine, stripped of his great heritage from centuries of your imprisonment. My ancestors’ blood still pumps hot in my veins, in spite your efforts to bury my hunger for the hunt. Be content as my body warms your feet under the covers of your soft, safe bed. Wallow in the false security that you own my heart and soul. Someday, my true self will emerge from your protective cage, and I will feast on your blood.

Very,very Affectionate Cat?

Osprey Media Group Inc. - Belleville Intelligencer: "Pet cat shot by police in bizarre ordeal"

Cat Brain & Jane the "Ripper"


Was talking to Terence over the phone yesterday and learned that one of the cat in the "Klebang animal kingdom" bit his mom.You see, Uncle Leslie is having a recurrence of his gout and so,probably auntie had to step in to settle one of the daily "disputes" 2 of the cats were having and suddenly one of them turned on her lah.So like another episode of CSI,( Daphne's fav show...which in my mind is a very unrealistic view of the actual crime solving process and here's my proof) we go into the feline brain to see what actualy happened.Ahhh,that explains...they freaking attack for no reason.At least this girl had a reason and this is how this scary woman looks like....yikes!, makes me want to run for cover in a "free-kick wall mode"!

Najip talks to Butt

“More homes, especially in rural areas, would have the opportunity to participate in the information society – from the child in Sungai Koyan ... (to) the farmer in Langkap.”" said Butt, and I do hope he was not talking crap.
Yipeee!, Microsoft in Bahasa is the key to narrow the gap between the haves & the have- nots! Or
will this be another case of cheaper low-cost houses meant for the poor bought by some of our friends with deep pockets then renting it out to the poor for a quick buck.Or second wave of the "EPF money withdrawal for PC but the shop keeps the PC and gives you the money.."Or another case of AFTA all the wait , nothing is cheaper.
Only time will tell and once again I hope is not a load of "taik" cause it's contradicting when they say that the lower range PC prices are still not affordable to the poor but the software will only be available in OEM basis. Which means that eventhough the software is RM120, you still have to buy a brand new PC to use the software. Anyway, why am I so worked up, "Ah Pilate" will have the RM5(beli dua RM9 & rosak boleh tukar) version even before the original's out.

Free Mojtaba and Arash Day


Tuesday 22nd Feb 2005 is "Free Mojtaba and Arash Day," two bloggers imprisoned in Iran.Learn more about their plight by clicking on the banner. Posted by Hello

Life-like Half-life 2

Was it the realistic physics engine in any FPS game ever?The fact that I felt that I was Gordon Freeman..for real.. when I played the game?The dramatic pace of the game, how it's all so quiet & suddenly...adrenaline rush?

It was all of it and this is..,by far the game to knock off "Far Cry"..at least in my mind.Chris, the game is everything you said it is and more.I love the uninterrupted flow of the storyline and can't wait till I get my hands on the "gravity gun".

The only slack part, I hate the "Steam platform update" bugging me at every start and hate that they do not have multiplayer option for it.Since I just upgraded to 6500kbps broadband for an extra 10bucks, thought can kick ass online lah.Anyway Starhub threw in a HP 4.1 Megapixel camera & Printer as freebies ,so not too bad I guess.At least soon I can post the "tangki" I was telling you guys about.Gotta go...City 17 needs me...before that I gotta go hang the washed clothes first. Posted by Hello

the first version


handopen
Originally uploaded by ellf.
well, this is how it was intended to be.. but i guess we have to give and take lah. hope and pray that the rally is a smashing success, guys, do keep them in your prays huh. th elogo is not as important as the rally itself. alleluia!!

they chose this one.. boo hoo


handopen9
Originally uploaded by ellf.
well, after a total of 9 logos.. this one has been selected for the youth rally. It has been revised from the orginal. I have already informed the organisers not to reveal the identity of the designer (he he). I really dunno lah... i feel this one looks like something we'd use for a priests' monthly recollection... but i guess they have valid reasons. ok, in the next upload, will show you guys the original one i designed for this verssion of the logo... it's a sad. sad day for creativity.. he he... but anyways, for the greater glory and i will still be designing!!! amen.

911-Thanks

Thanks Arul for looking high and low for the Berries. As a matter of fact Jake has already told me where to get them. Apparently there are medical supplement shops in and around kl offering these berries at RM50 for 90 capsules...so i will just need to check their origin. Once again. Thanks. But please let me know if you come across better deals.

Strangest Things About Balls...



Well, remember the woman that Arul blogged about in "Hell has no fury..." Well she has been jailed but only for 2 and half years.

We all thought that woman's scorned sort of over the top until this bloke gave a whole new meaning to "pantang dicabar". It must be a new trend of some sort... plucking berries?? Strange... strange... strange...

Fatima Nun Passed Away



This may be old news to some of you but for some who didn't know, Sister Lucia dos Santos, one of the 3 children that had witnessed the apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary at Fatima has passed away peacefully on Valentine's day at a young age of 97.

Please do say a short prayer for her.

For more info, click here.

Wanted: Hawthorn Berry Capsules


Guys this is utmost urgent.Uncle Scully is finding it difficult to find Hawthorn Berries a health supplement he has been taking.I have looked around in S'pore and to no avail.Pls keep a look out or try to ask around.Jake, am wondering if Amway carries this product.The brand he always used is "Nature's Sunshine" seen on the image but other brands are considered ok too.Pls call Terence,Suresh or me if you spot any.Hawthorn berries are a valuable treatment for various heart ailments and circulatory disorders.Thanks Y'all! Posted by Hello

Rock Fonts

I Remember the "el-cheapo" green "Swan" brand bag we used to carry in school and how we would vent out our mediocre artistic creativity on it by drawing all the names of our favourite Rock Bands. Well if you've not grown out of it, here's your chance to use these Rock Band fonts on your next presentation..hi!hi! Your boss will be impressed ...if he is Ozzy Osborne lah!(Guess only creative industry people like Ell can use it for work)
I love the "temple of the dog" font as it was written by Jeff Ament and it's the same font in Pearl Jam's album covers.

Rock Fonts
Tips on how to install fonts (Duuhhhh!)

p.s: kids now carry Deuter....spoilt brats!

70% M$N ?

Sometime after my subtle persuasion, Internet Explorer still has the lion's share(70%) in the browser used to view our blog and thought I'd make another sales pitch...technically am not selling anything, cause the Firefox browser is free. I know for a fact that Suresh & I are using it as our one and only browser. Let me share some of the cool extensions that it has apart from the neat basic functions it already comes bundled in.
1. The webpage opens in tabs,not windows...just ctrl + right click.
2. The JustBlogIt function is just so cool as I can publish to my blog instantly. Handy when at work!
3. The Linky is one cool extension where u can choose either images or links in another tab.
4. Weather info called ForecastFox that tells you the weather & 2 days predictions for Melaka or anywhere else in the world you want.
5. Change how your browser looks by choosing the multiple themes available.

Anyway, go to the bottom of the page and give the Firefox button a click to download & maybe you too will be released from the shackles of M$N like Suresh & me.

Helping Hand


Much like how Bush gets a helping hand, I learned from my recent visit to pig farm owned by my wife's uncle that the male pig or boar is given a "hand" too from time to time. Now I know why they stood up in excitment when my bro in law and me went near them.Anyway, it's quite heart wrenching to see these poor animals and it was not a very pleasant sight at all much like TV smith's Silence of the Hens , only this was not a slaughter house. The only 2 pigs enjoying themselves were these 2 boars that had gigantic "tangki" that apparently can give 250ml for the 1st milking & another 150ml for the 2nd.I definetely need to invest in a good digital camera and post the pictures lah.Anyway, it was food and more food In Kuala as usual and I'd post more news on our 2 day stay there later on. Posted by Hello

micro photo novel

Came across this German site one week back and wanted to share with you guys...
I like the one entitled Limmerick the best, let's say I like the twist at the end.Thought the more creative writers like Chris & Ell would like to have a go maybe. I think it's very interesting indeed but for me the "fig tree parable" kept popping up when i tried to write one...click on image or title Posted by Hello

One more cock joke for the road!

Safe travelling everyone! See you back in Melaka! Have a very Happy Chinese New Year!

Here's one for the road:

HENRY THE HORNY ROOSTER

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A vulture was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The vulture is getting closer."

Cock a doodle doooo

Was quick to get out of bed this morning when I realized that we'd be on a weeks break in Malacca(link-Johor lost city threathening Malacca history?) starting tomorrow. Let’s say this thought put a spring in my step...until I realized that I have misplaced my thumb drive somewhere in the office and after an hour of frantic searching was still missing. Felt quite ridiculous going around asking everyone if they have seen "my thumbdrive" but I had no choice. To top it all off, I had information in it that I needed to use for meeting with a vendor today.
After 1 hour and asking everyone , I decided that I needed a coffee/newspaper break. The newspaper carried an article on "feng shui" which claimed that the outcome of 2005 will be decided by what happens to you TODAY.(
link) Great!! I am not a superstitious person but can't deny a piece of news like that does not make you wonder. Then I heard news that my colleagues mom passed away early this morning and hoped he does not read today's paper.
On other news, this tiny red dot of a country is all geared up to celebrate CNY and I am amazed at the giant cocks everywhere(big rooster figurines lah...what were u thinking).
Many people are sporting the French brand "Le Coq Sportif" apparels causing the price to sky rocket.. I remember asking my wife's friend from France if Le Coq Sportif means The Sporting Cock and she said that's exactly right. You see the cock or rooster is the French mascot kinda thingy...…a very proud animal she said.Okay, proud & cock ..that says a lot about the French alright.
So what have I learned today..

1.Don't know what you got till it's gone , so cherish every moment and hold on tightly to what you have (now I know why the thumbdrive came with that string to put around the neck)
2.There are more unfortunate people than me but learn to empathize with them because it can happen to you
3.Whatever that seems bleak and unfortunate just might turn out to be a good thing even though we may not see it now. "Trust His Heart" the song comes to mind.
4.Christ is the Lord of me and not "Lillian Toos" ,so no need for good luck charms. Trials & tribulations are part of life and to expect only good things to happen is not to live at all.
5.You see the downside to the ever reducing size of electronic gadgets that stores large data and start coming up with ideas to re-locate it when it's misplaced.
6.You start publishing your thoughts on your blog rather than working on the data you lost with the belief that you'd find it sooner or later. (Holiday mood already lah)

Anyway, see you guys back In Malacca where we'll talk more cock in the year of the Cock. My mother in law already reserved a box of "ba kua" which we can savour while watching EPL on Sat or Sun.
Wishing all a Happy & Prosperous Chinese New Year!
P.S: In case you're wondering, the thumbdrive is still not found since 9.20am... and can't help but ask this riddle which some of you already know the answer..maklumlah tahun Rooster..
What does a rooster & a prostitute have in common when they wake up everyday?
Posted by Hello

Previously unreleased sequel to LOTR


elf
Originally uploaded by ellf.
Heard there will be another sequel to the hugely successful LOTR saga this year. With more action, more effects and one heck of a hunk they will be casting in the part of Aragorn (see pix). Step aside, Legolas.. the metrosexual.. here comes Aragorn... the anney from Klebang!! Apparently, Liv Tyler cant wait for shooting to begin!!!

Elektra fizzled out on me...


elektra
Originally uploaded by ellf.
Ok... Jennifer Garner in an ill-fitting ala bikini combat outfit failed to tickle my fancies. Heck, even my hopes for a decent storyline were dashed. The build-up of baddies was pretty good, with Typhoid and Tattoo (two characters), the first being a hot chick with bad-ass breath and the second an iron pumped dude with tattoos that could jump to life. ok but they die tragically fast.... all in all it was like watching an extra long episode of Alias, except she uses interesting barbecue skewers. My advice is get the DVD and save the cinema tickets for Fantastic 4...

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah...

2nd Feb is a fairly peaceful day, few significant things happened apart from the Arsenal's loss to Manchester United in Highbury with the scoreline of 4-2. Among other signigicant events that happened on this date includes:

In history, it was significant day for peace because on this day in 1942, the Battle of Stalingrad ended. Apparently, 8 out of 9 planets aligned for the first time in 400 years on this very day in the year 1962. Late Night with David Letterman premiers for the first time in 1981 on the 2nd Feb. In 1848, Mexico sold US Texas, California, New Mexico and Arizona to the Americans. As it turned out, it is also a day of truth, the very first lie detector was used in court in Wisconsin.

Many years ago on this same day, an Irish decendant by the name of Leslie Duncan Scully got married with a local chinese girl in Malaysia, Teresa. And both of them had 2 sons, by the name of Lawrence and Terence. Coincidentally, the latter got married on this very date in the year 2002.

Many famous names was also born on this day, among those are Pope Benedict XIII in 1649. Farah Fawcett, one of the early Charlie's Angels was born in 1947. Christie Brinkley, American Supermodel was also born on the same date in 1954.

And on the same date in 1976, a pretty little baby girl was born in Penang to a Cantonese family from Kedah. This girl, by the name of Catherine grew in stature and beauty into a beautiful young lass who eventually married an even more prominent but unworthy character.... me!

I'd like to wish Terence & Gwen, a very happy Anniversary! You two are a great couple and an example to many of us!

And to my lovely wife, Cath, I wish you many happy returns of the day! I pray that you will have many, many more birthdays to come and on each of those days, I pray that I will be there to be the first to wish you a very happy birthday. I love you, sweetie!

Let's Get Ready to Rummmbbbbllleee!

Knowing this two, whoever wins will claim that the Championship is not over eventhough Maurinho has ran off with 10points.Seriously it's becoming more like wrestling...maybe it's all an act just to get people to watch these fellas fighting it out for second place.Anyway, Jake & Arnold all the best but I do hope we break Rooney or Ronaldo's leg...lose also nevermind. Posted by Hello